At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
“Sheer Arrogance”
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Children of the corn 🌽
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona