I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
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Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Snapes on a plane.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope