[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
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Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.