An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
When I snag the last meatball.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too