I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
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Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.