I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
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CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
i will not be silenced
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.