Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.