When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.