The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
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[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Still my favourite meme.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
A new level of troll.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.