You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
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adding to the discourse
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Wise advice
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
☺️
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome