I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
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90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Sign at work today
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.