If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
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king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec