PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.