PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
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I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Every haunted house movie:
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”