me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
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Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.