I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
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Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod