I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
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cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
No Google it does not
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.