It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
reminder
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
giddy up Office Depot
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.