Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.