Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt