teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
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7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!