Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
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Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?