Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
You Might Also Like
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some