We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat