cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
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Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy