Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders