12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
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waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye