u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
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GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
That time Alicia messaged me
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home