It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”