My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
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[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Trains are just sideway elevators.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.