Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
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villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”