Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
God has abandoned us.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT