*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
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Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play