Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
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Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.