Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
OMG 🤣🤣
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security