Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
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HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”