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Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
The Punning Dead.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
The struggle is real
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.