Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My Sentiments Exactly
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I’d use my best pan on you.