“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
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Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
#Caturday
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.