What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
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This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Wasps: bees, but not helping
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Something Saturday.