Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work