Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
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We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
*orders delivery*
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.