[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
next question.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t