“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback