*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
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actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant