Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
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Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight