Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
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18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.