ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
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Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life