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Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve