I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
You Might Also Like
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗